Okay. Hello. I’m sorry, I know I don’t really write here a lot but I just don’t know what to do in here. I don’t have anyone waiting for my posts or anything like that and I’m always too lazy to write here. But don’t worry, today I’m gonna try hard.
So, you know how I’m in America right? And you know how I didn’t know anyone my age before school started and now we’re 3 months more or less in school and I know an okay amount of people. In that okay amount of people, most of them are in my classes and I’m not as close to anyone as I want to be. I’m just really terrified. What if I won’t be close to anyone ever because I have no idea how to be close to anyone?! What if everyone would just treat me like you know, a friend but no one would ever ever treat me as a close fiend or a best friend? What if I’ll never ever be someone’s first choice? I know, I’m being paranoid but at the same time I think I’m being a realist too. And yes, I know that it’s only been three months and all but what if the same things will happen in the remaining months and all my relationships won’t develop and I will forever be a friend for everyone but never a best friend? Seriously, I would want just one or two people to be my best friends. I would tell them anything and all and they would tell me anything and whenever they’re doing anything I’d be their first choice? Actually, it’s okay if they don’t tell me anything but I just want to be someone’s first choice, you know? I’m just really scared. You know I think that no one ever thinks about me like I think about people. Like how I think about Kristeen because she’s one of my closest friends here (not even that close), but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t think about me, at all. She may think about me when she sees me or something but I don’t think she ever thinks about me just because. Okay, this is a friendly thing, Sam stop thinking about stuff, you dirty minded girl. Like how I think about Will because he’s funny and all that but I don’t think he thinks about me. They have other choices – ehem, people they have to think about. I mean, I really don’t know if people do and think the stuff I do but you know, assuming they do. I know this is shallow compared to other people’s problems but it’s a problem and they NEED to be solved. I just don’t know how. I personally think that my socialization with other people is a good one. But I just don’t know. Maybe my personality just isn’t likable. I’m so tired of this though. Worrying whether people will like what I do or not. I just wanna do stuff and not be worried if someone would like me because we’re already that close. I want to go out and all but in those three months, I haven’t gone out with anyone except Bushra. And that was once. ONCE. I’m so tired of worrying and stressing, okay. The only thing that cheers me up is the fact that I’m still a freshman. But I worry about my relationships with people. Is it enough? Why don’t I have anyone I’m close with? I want to be myself around people but I’m usually not. I’m serious and whatever but I am childish and immature! Or am I? I’m only 14! I cannot have an existential crisis or whatever. I keep on telling myself excuses why but I just know, deep in my mind, that the problem is me. I’m so ugh. I just really want a close friend, or much better a best friend. Much like my relationship and connection with my friends in the Philippines. Yes, I know I’ve been with my closest, bestest friends for a lot of years now BUT there’s one exception, Titat. I mean, I knew Titat before but that was it. She was just another kid from a rival school. Then she was my seatmate and we got close and everything. The fact that she was my seatmate all day probably added to that but she was part of our group in no time. Maybe also the fact that Daboie liked her but whatever. Still, we were pretty close even in the first freaking months. And also, I see all these people from my school who were from different middle schools and were close now and it was only because of summer school! It was for two freaking months. Maybe I chose the wrong people or whatever. But I wish I didn’t because the people I met are great. I just need more… connection. And I keep thinking I had a lot of common things with most people that I meet. Like, that’s just not possible you know, but I think I have common things. Boys aren’t even my problem like I do not care about them right now, I just really need best friends. And the reason I’m probably rushing into this is because of the movies I see and tv shows I see like everyone just have that bestest friends ever and I want that okay. I mean yes, the HIMYM gang met in college and after college and the Bridesmaids couple were friends since they were kids. Can’t I have that though? Can’t I? The kind of relationship the Awkward people have? I mean, not the issues they have but they’re closeness and stuff. They were also probably friends since kids so nevermind. Ah! You know what I mean. I know I’m a freshman and all that and I know it’s too early but I’m just having problems. What if I would have relationships like these to everyone in my whole life? I just can’t bear that. I have a perfect life in my head, even though I don’t have any specifics but I am picturing a while life and it’s perfect, okay. It’s so perfect. And I can’t have that if I have these kinds of relationships. I want my life to be like the books and movies. Like how that one girl got popular just because she’s nice. But I am nice and no one likes me.